I find myself needing to get my thoughts on paper right away. I am having “one of those moments”, as once spoken by my friend, Elle. I, too, need to process these thoughts out as they are occurring. Okay. It’s pretty heavy. I spent about 3 years of my life as what they call a “homeless” person. The experience traumatized me to this very day. I believe I suffer from PTSD because of being homeless. My home is my castle. I am an earth sign, very grounded in home. When I do not have a home, I am lost and afraid. It is traumatic to face each and every day with a child just trying to figure out where you are going to have a roof over your head that night, and how you are going to make it happen. It is survival, and other people who have not experienced it do not understand. Of course, there are so many reasons why people become homeless, and those of us who were victims of circumstance get lost in the mix. Then, one has to remember that each and every person is ultimately responsible for themselves, and no one else. The kindness of others is one thing, but no one can expect others to help just because…(whatever reason), not even family. In fact, helping can often be a temporary crutch. After being in this situation, and not getting much help from anywhere and anyone but myself, and the resources that I submit myself to, regardless of how uncomfortable, I could not say any place cramped my style-I was homeless! I was grateful for anything and any place that took us in. I did anything that I had to do to get where I needed to be. Since getting to where I needed to be, and jumping through hoops of fire, I have encountered so many people in the same situation. I will tell you that each and every one of these people had so much undeserving pride that they would not take the advice that I would give them.  They only wanted a handout to stay at my home, taking advantage of the graciousness of me being a giver, and not helping themselves the way I helped myself. Many nights I cried my eyes out on a bus bench in the freezing cold, and hungry, not caring what anyone thought. Mostly, it was because I could not see the end in sight. I knew there was a long, hard fight ahead to get where I needed to be. I knew I needed to do this again one day and night after another. I guess I was triggered to the point where I am right now to be writing this because I just encountered yet one more person who just doesn’t get it. My heart always goes out to people in this situation, and I find myself taking care of them for at least one night. Then, they don’t want to leave. I then feel as if I never should have helped them at all, the way it was for me. I had only enlisted the help of this person to fix my car, not knowing their situation. When it became clear, and when I knew they were in no position to help me, I had to cut my ties immediately, because I know what their intentions are in their desperate situation. They want a home, and it can’t be mine. My home is my home, and I am in no position to be a caretaker, nor a social worker. I am a bleeding heart, but I have to draw the line, I have to have boundaries. I ignored this person’s constant pleas for 2 days, and I finally replied with the fact of the matter. That followed with a reply of, “I really feeling bad today.” That comment brings me to where I am right now, and how I feel. My first reaction was very emotional. I wanted to reply back with these words: “You feel bad today? Really? Well, you really need to absorb that feeling and get used to it. Why? Because you are going to feel that way tomorrow, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next day. In fact, you are barking up the wrong tree, and you don’t even realize it. You think you feel bad today? I felt bad for about 1000 days in a row, maybe more. You know what? That is what kicked my ass. That

 is why I have a home, a car, a job, and my son in my custody today. That is why I am in college and I am about to get my degree. Because I know no one else is going to do it for me. I know you feel bad. There is nothing I can do about that for you. I did all that I can do for you. You need to look for a long-term solution for yourself and make whatever changes that you need to make to change your life.” There is no way to tell someone that without breaking them more than they already are feeling broken. I know it can be done, because I did it. I can’t pity anyone, especially a full-grown man or woman. If there was a child involved, I would do whatever I could. But, for the record, I want to say so badly, “Don’t bark up this tree, just don’t.” I just had to get that out of me. Maybe it will prevent another recurring nightmare of being homeless. I just want to help, but I can’t help with something this big. It is so hard to deal with this situation, but I think I constantly have had to deal with it to make myself stronger, and maybe to help others help themselves. Thank you for listening.